hi guys. this is me, after all this years...
am i coming back? idk, but i just feel like i need to address this problem of mine before i went crazy for real.
for the past 2 years i've been struggling with depression. yeah, gay and depression ... this might seems like a joke, but i really do have it. i already seek help but yea, it's still here, haunting and eating me bit by bit. im okey tho, at least for now.
im not going into detail about my depression this time. but yea it's intertwined with the topic this time
becoming 30 yo.
wow and im still nothing!
when im not in the right mind, like now, i feel like im worthless
im not becoming the person i perceived 10 years ago
im not doing a great job at my full time job
im not the kid my mom proud of
im not the lover my ex wanted me to become
im not myself when im looking at the mirror
im not a great friend i used to be
im not me
i feel worthless
i am worthless.
today i just had a date, a proper date, like you know... talking and eating food. not eating a dick.
he was really great, but the more i talk to him, the more i talk to myself. do i worth his time? am i wasting his time? did he got bored talking to me? did he sees my fat belly? did he lost interest? i mean i would if i date myself today...
those words keeps shouting in my head. i still smile like it's okey. but i knew im not...
i address this issue to my friend and he simply said "how can you love someone if you can't love yourself?" and im just like wow... i feel exposed
it's so true but yet i can't do about it. at least thats what i say now.
i know im still functional as a proper human being, but i feel like im losing my humanity, i feel like im losing my heart, it's hurt but i can't help myself.
im writing this not because i have the solution, knowing the answer is still not the same with solving the problem.
i am the problem.
am i coming back? idk, but i just feel like i need to address this problem of mine before i went crazy for real.
for the past 2 years i've been struggling with depression. yeah, gay and depression ... this might seems like a joke, but i really do have it. i already seek help but yea, it's still here, haunting and eating me bit by bit. im okey tho, at least for now.
im not going into detail about my depression this time. but yea it's intertwined with the topic this time
becoming 30 yo.
wow and im still nothing!
when im not in the right mind, like now, i feel like im worthless
im not becoming the person i perceived 10 years ago
im not doing a great job at my full time job
im not the kid my mom proud of
im not the lover my ex wanted me to become
im not myself when im looking at the mirror
im not a great friend i used to be
im not me
i feel worthless
i am worthless.
today i just had a date, a proper date, like you know... talking and eating food. not eating a dick.
he was really great, but the more i talk to him, the more i talk to myself. do i worth his time? am i wasting his time? did he got bored talking to me? did he sees my fat belly? did he lost interest? i mean i would if i date myself today...
those words keeps shouting in my head. i still smile like it's okey. but i knew im not...
i address this issue to my friend and he simply said "how can you love someone if you can't love yourself?" and im just like wow... i feel exposed
it's so true but yet i can't do about it. at least thats what i say now.
i know im still functional as a proper human being, but i feel like im losing my humanity, i feel like im losing my heart, it's hurt but i can't help myself.
im writing this not because i have the solution, knowing the answer is still not the same with solving the problem.
i am the problem.
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